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How to Release Resentment
If possible, speak directly with your spouse. Express what is or has been bothering you and discuss how
both of you can improve the situation. Direct communications is often an effective way to clarify
misunderstandings and eliminate suspicions that are obstacles to maintaining healthy relationships.
If you have difficulty verbalising, you may write instead of speaking. You never know, your partner may
actually be more comfortable with this way of communicating. For example, you may first write and then tell
your partner that you would like him/her to read it, think about it, and then verbally discuss with you when
he/she is ready.
Think about the costs of holding on to your resentment. When you are feeling very resentful, you are the
party who is actually feeling hurt – not your partner. You are so consumed by your resentment that you are
not able to deal with the situation rationally. Your health may deteriorate and you would soon realise that
hanging on to your resentment normally gets you nowhere.
Try to see the situation from your partner’s angle. He or she may have a valid reason to behave in that
situation that hurt your feelings e.g. your spouse criticised your mother out of anger and impulsiveness
because he or she returned home from a very stressful day at work. When you understand the situation,
your anger may subside somewhat and that is useful in preventing an impulsive reaction that you may
regret.
Think, do you have any “benefits” or secondary gains for holding on to your resentment? Perhaps it was an
obvious simple misunderstanding that can be resolved by a simple apology. However, you may continue to
hang on to your resentment to justify your outbursts perhaps because you are too proud to apologise or find
it difficult to deal with your possibly embarrassing reaction.
When you were hurt by your partner’s remarks, were you actually too sensitive? Did you make too much out
of your partner’s remarks? For example, your partner expressed an opinion that was different from yours,
and you misinterpreted that as an attack on your personality.
How to Release Resentment
If possible, speak directly with your spouse. Express what is or has been bothering you and discuss how
both of you can improve the situation. Direct communications is often an effective way to clarify
misunderstandings and eliminate suspicions that are obstacles to maintaining healthy relationships.
If you have difficulty verbalising, you may write instead of speaking. You never know, your partner may
actually be more comfortable with this way of communicating. For example, you may first write and then tell
your partner that you would like him/her to read it, think about it, and then verbally discuss with you when
he/she is ready.
Think about the costs of holding on to your resentment. When you are feeling very resentful, you are the
party who is actually feeling hurt – not your partner. You are so consumed by your resentment that you are
not able to deal with the situation rationally. Your health may deteriorate and you would soon realise that
hanging on to your resentment normally gets you nowhere.
Try to see the situation from your partner’s angle. He or she may have a valid reason to behave in that
situation that hurt your feelings e.g. your spouse criticised your mother out of anger and impulsiveness
because he or she returned home from a very stressful day at work. When you understand the situation,
your anger may subside somewhat and that is useful in preventing an impulsive reaction that you may
regret.
Think, do you have any “benefits” or secondary gains for holding on to your resentment? Perhaps it was an
obvious simple misunderstanding that can be resolved by a simple apology. However, you may continue to
hang on to your resentment to justify your outbursts perhaps because you are too proud to apologise or find
it difficult to deal with your possibly embarrassing reaction.
When you were hurt by your partner’s remarks, were you actually too sensitive? Did you make too much out
of your partner’s remarks? For example, your partner expressed an opinion that was different from yours,
and you misinterpreted that as an attack on your personality.